The Things I Recently Felt About Myself

Okay, I know this is quite weird
But being realized or not, I do feel like I am growing up slowly but sure each year...

When I was little, I used to be a freaking annoying bitch and all raging about Japan and etc.
I never realized about what I did to people surrounds me, and nor did I care about them.
My motto back then was like, 
"If they are my true friends, they surely would be okay with my weirdness"

And when my friends back then at my elementary school started making distance with me,
I still didn't get it why did they do it to me and only thinks of me as the victim

The fact that the me now looked of my past as an embarrassing moments of my life where I regret myself being too high about my own opinion back then really make me want to dig my own grave sometimes.

Frankly speaking, I was too arrogant and egocentric back then. I mean, really, I thought of myself too high that I found the me now also annoyed with it. 
But then again, the me now realized that... a child is always a pure paper in the start. 

So what makes it started to be drenched in spots?

1. Parents
There was a common phrase which quite relevant to this matter actually.

"A fruit would never fall far from the tree"

Guess all of you had known it for years...

But that's true, I tell you, it is true.

My Kaa-san is a strict and old-fashioned woman who had experienced her wild days while she was young.

She always told us her children about her young days where all she did was going to party and festives with her friends; doing many crazy trips, etc.

Of course, for a middle aged woman she is now, I am quite proud with her experiences while she was young..

Nevertheless, it was already passed for a long time even before my Neesan born.

So I feel extremely awkward when Kaa-san keeps comparing her friends while she was young with my friends at elementary school and high schools.

I mean, come on, at her time, asking some friends to pick you up might be okay since all the economy condition at that time was much more better than now

And people's change, right? 

Not every generation wanted to be like that...

If her friends wanted to do it willingly, doesn't mean that my friends now can just do it exactly the same like that, right???

When I was a child, I agreed with what my mom said about it.

But the me now can say that I totally disagree about it.

FYI, My friends aren't my drivers and servants

Yeah, I can say that cause every time I was asked to go out, I always had to rejected it with many reasons since my parents never allowed it happened

The reasons were varied that I myself found it to be nasty

I hate it every time they cornered me to a position where I can't accept the invitation.

They always like, "Oh you wanna go? We can't just drive and pick you up anytime you want. So if you really wanna go, why don't you asked your friends to pick you up, huh?"

Every time they talked like that, I wanna cry hardly

I knew that in the end I would never be allowed to go out with my friends..

It is extremely hard for me to go out with my friends, even until now...

And this makes my friends aren't willing to invite me and I feel more like alien now...

2. Environment

Yeah, environment...

I grew up with an old-fashioned family where they find my affection toward Japan is ODD

And it's not like I do something strange or doing criminality because of this

I also always accept the diversity in my families..

i never mind about it... I wonder why they feel like I am quite antique..

My friends are the typical of those who would hangouts, gathering and making some random sleepovers, bla bla bla

And honestly, I envy them..

I always wanted to do it with them.

But I never did it because I never allowed to...

Since I am an AB, I am having problem sometimes where I became too goodie girl and sometimes being rebellious as well.

You see, being in the middle of those two different lifestyles are painful in the ass

I always wanna be a good friend, I love diversity, I love to be able to hang out with them all

I love having some embarrassing moments with them..

And when they asked me to go out with them, I always wanted to join them

But,

On the other side, I can't just being rebellious and left my home since this is ASIA, and my parents aren't the type of parents who might apologies or search for me..

They would still blame it all on me...

And it makes me feel pressured even until now

I guess that's what makes me feel like I have to move out ASAP

I wanna be independent where I don't have to rely on them

Where I don't have to plea so much only to ask them to drive me to my friends' parties

Where I can do whatever I like, including using lenses and cosplaying as much as I like (Yeah, now you know how strict my kazoku is, welcome to my life, readers~)

I always wanted to be a mangaka back then, and all my parents said was : "Do you think you'll able to live only by drawing like that? Are you going to feed yourself with rocks???"

Ah alright, I quit from dreaming about being a mangaka and just wanna be a psychiatrist...

And what do they say now?

They said that here, in my country, being psychiatrist is useless and I better do other things..

So yeah, they forced me to enter the Business Management (The major I hate most while I was being at high school since it was soooo damn boring)

I really hoped that my life would change...

I really wish for it...

Well then, see you in my next post~