I Hate Them

Have you ever feel such hatred to some people where you thought you would kill them most appealing way to you if you were allowed?

I do..

This morning, a colleague at my college (which I knew since high school since we're both students there) did this thing to me..

He was the type of bullier in your school where an otaku like me would be their most appealing target..
He was with my relative there (which is a year older than me, believe me! And she's just the same species with him, that I assure you) and his groups when  I just attended the room

I never care such existences actually, unless they were the one who made me feel uncomfortable or annoyed like hell..

And I did feel that way that time...and my intuition was right..

Just when I tried to logged in with my lappy there, he approached me and asked me whether I got the same charger for lappy as his..

First of all, I knew that we have different brand of laptop which mean there would be no possibility to have same charger for it..

So I just bluntly told him that my brand is different with his.. Blindly hope he would be smart enough to realized that it is impossible for me to lend him my charger...

But I was damn wrong.

Second, I never thought he would do such clumsy thing to me..

It was simple yet dangerous at once..

He plugged off the charger from my laptop without asking any permission, JUST WHEN I WAS BOOTING THE LAPTOP

The problem here is not about asking the permission, of course, I am not really that modest though I should count that one as one of my reasons to just voodoo him (I wish I could, but sorry to say I cannot)

You see, my lappy has this problem where the battery isn't working at all and couldn't be charged, which mean I have to keep plugging in the charger to the laptop when I use it...

Just when he plugged it off, I was too shock and just death glared him at once.. seriously.. I never thought I would do it after such long time..

And when I rebooted it again, it appeared that it was crashed in some part and needed some reparation there..

Luckily, no data were erased here.. thank God,

If those data were gone, idk what would I say to my lecturers since this Laptop contains all of my home works, projects, and assignments

Guess what, he even didn't apologize for it and just left me with his group and my relative, and told them the story with laugh and just left like groups of bitches 

I really hate them..

I hate what they did not only to me..but also to other people who might even suffered more than me..

They never cared about people's feelings..

If I were ever able to curse them, I really hope they would get to know how does it feel to be like me and other people who got bullied..

I wish they would suffer more than us, and I wish they would get unforgettable experiences and lessons for their lives...

It's Been A While, Pal

Recently, I met with many old friends I used to be close with in the past..

Of course, they are from abroad.. leave the fact of me as an introvert yet extrovert in the same time alone.

And this guy, he used to be my roleplaying mate for 3 periods with different characters

We used to have a good understandings until one day, he confessed to me about his feelings..

But then, he asked me to just forget it (actually, I did forget it until I re-read some old messages from him LOL)

After a long time being inactive, he showed up and asked to talk to me, which I agreed and let him message me...

So then, some chit chats of old pals...

And then suddenly he suggested to have a roleplay there (since he said he missed roleplaying with me)

And I wonder why he asked me whether it was okay to insert some romance when in fact we always roleplay as couple LOL

I have to admit that since he was inactive like a bear hibernating,we rare contact each other nowadays..

But I guess it wasn't the reason I feel slightly uneasy toward the words he chose in the starter for the roleplay >.<

Nee, it is okay to have some pre-thoughts right? :\

I Think It's Only Natural

Lately, I have been madly in love with Kaji Yuki, thanks to Radio Misty~

And when I do some stalking searching in google about him, I found out about the newest rumor about him..

Well, it was posted for 8-9 months ago, but still, this is the latest gossip I got about him this year..

He was rumored to be in relationship with seiyuu Hanazawa Kana~

Seriously, I never knew that this type of Ouji would be rumored with such cute seiyuu~

I mean, hey this is a good news~!

And just like I always do when I absorb such news: comparing it to myself~

Yeah, pretty epic, I know, but that's the truth

In the first of November, I wished a new boyfriend... A Japanese Boyfriend

It did sound so silly, but I guess it would be acceptable for a forever-alone-girl-type like me

If you asked me how could such silly thing related with the prince's rumor, I'll tell you: I do really think that I would never be appropriate for Japanese guys' taste.

Those guys also dreamt on having a beautiful, cute, and slim girlfriend, which I have to admit that really don't relate to me much

It's not being a pessimist to me, it's facing reality, I guess

People always said that love should just see the inner rather than the outside. I tell you what, I am helplessly desperate about such phrase.

I mean, I know that nobody's perfect, but they would still choose the better one rather than the original and ordinary one like me. Well, I can't say that I am ordinary though, since I'm weirdo to people around me.

When I look at some of my net friends who expose their beautiful photos, I really feel like I lost my confidence at once and I feel like no hope in having my ideal boyfriend. LOL

Even when I think about people who are out of my reach like those awesome seiyuus, I feel like I would never be able to be in the same world with them.

How I realized that I am extremely different from my friends, I feel that my existence is somewhat just an invincible in their worlds.

I can not express my feelings inside and it seems like nobody even would give a fuck about it

It's not their faults though, it was all my faults actually..

When I got to know with new people, I automatically being introvert about myself...

When my friends asked me to hang out, all I can do is rejecting them and daydreaming inside my room how cool it will be if I were there together with them.

And when it's about relationship, I always feel like nobody could understand me and I feel like I still haven't found the one I can leaned on.

Come to think about it, I reminded about my sissies who still got no clue of having new boyfriends

And somehow, I think it is only natural that girls from my family can't have such normal life...

This Thing Always Happened to Me

How am I suppose to say this?

This phase always happened to me all the time ever since I was little..

You know, the lonely feeling..

I personally realized how as an AB girl, having this kind of condition is just so natural ever since this two opposite bloodtypes were inside a girl with dramaful life like me

And even though I already realized it and tried to anticipated it, I just can't help but still so gloomy  

Really.. Me too, hate this feeling, and I always wished I could be just be as careless as my nee-san

Back then, when I saw at my facebook's news feed, I found that most the news feed were fulfilled with love posts by couples in my friend lists.

Suddenly, I feel like, I am just like forever alone here...

And started analyzing my  life with strange point of view and started asking myself again who was supposed to be blamed in the first place...

And at some point, I started thinking that maybe me being single right now will worth once I found the one. 

But still,a small uneasiness  inside my heart makes me feel like I was deceiving myself, even until now

And when I looked at my high school friends who were still in contact with each other and laughing together at the comment,

I feel jealous.. and envy them..

Perhaps people might think think that I'm just too sensitive and should start being a little bit careless about such details

Well... it's not like I never thought that way

In the end, even though when my "B side" is coming out and turns me into a cheerful girl again, i still can't be a careless girl when it's about such matter

It feels like I'm living far away from this planet called Earth and when I came to visit, people here would just see me in weird way and makes me feel extremely uneasy

I hate that feeling, but that's the truth though

This morning, when I attended my college class and hanging out with my colleagues,

I was somewhat being like realized how anti social I have turned to be now

Seriously, the effect of such thoughts wouldn't come in instant... it comes slowly and when you realized, you already drowned with your sad thoughts again...

The reason why I told all of such things here is simply because I just can't told anybody about this

Not like I don't want to..

But it is hard for common people to really understand this matter (I've tried to explain it to some of my friends, but the result showed me that they don't get what I meant.. and I think it disappointed me to the point where I don't think I can tell them about it anymore)

When I speak to people around me, I automatically making a very high-yet-invincible-barrier surrounds me..

The one that would make people says "She is a good and friendly girl, but I think she has many unrevealed secrets that maybe quite scary"

It is true after all, well, it's not the secrets that I am scary to showing off about, it is about my past and backgrounds...

Do you think it's something strange?

Or am I really the only one who is weirdo here?

Happy Birthday Ta_2~

Happy Birthday Suzuki Tatsuhisa~

Oh EM GEE... You're a grown man NOW~~!!!!

Hahaha

Wish you all the best sweetheart man!

I can see that your life is leading you to a bright future~!

Be a good guy and love your wifes and be extremely productive in every way you like!

We all your fans would always support you from here

And wait for your latest products~

Kisses and hugs for you from me your fans~

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXO

Ichigo-chan

When Life is No Longer Ours

Yesterday, I went to the funeral of my old friend's mom
He was one of my classmates in elementary school, one that I can say very kind to me that time...
I just contacted with him for 2 or 3 weeks through a website when I found out that his mother was sick...
And just a few days ago I found out that she had passed away through his Facebook's status.

I never met him after graduated from the elementary school. And when I met him, truely both of us were quite shocked to see each other..

There, he looked very exhausted... He admitted that he had been lack of sleep  for several days
And well, I thought that even a guy like him must have been feeling angst after the loss for his mother,
Then, I told him about my Neesan's friend...
Her father died recently in Israel because of heart attack.
He never told any of his family about his departing until it was a week before he gone

I guess I can say that he was surprised about this as well
He stated that no one can even predict what would happened the next second of one's life

And yeah, I can say that I agree with his statement

When I was kid, I always think that die is something natural..
But now, I feel that it is something scary...
In the end, I think death is something that only would make people realized that life is not ours initially...

The Things I Recently Felt About Myself

Okay, I know this is quite weird
But being realized or not, I do feel like I am growing up slowly but sure each year...

When I was little, I used to be a freaking annoying bitch and all raging about Japan and etc.
I never realized about what I did to people surrounds me, and nor did I care about them.
My motto back then was like, 
"If they are my true friends, they surely would be okay with my weirdness"

And when my friends back then at my elementary school started making distance with me,
I still didn't get it why did they do it to me and only thinks of me as the victim

The fact that the me now looked of my past as an embarrassing moments of my life where I regret myself being too high about my own opinion back then really make me want to dig my own grave sometimes.

Frankly speaking, I was too arrogant and egocentric back then. I mean, really, I thought of myself too high that I found the me now also annoyed with it. 
But then again, the me now realized that... a child is always a pure paper in the start. 

So what makes it started to be drenched in spots?

1. Parents
There was a common phrase which quite relevant to this matter actually.

"A fruit would never fall far from the tree"

Guess all of you had known it for years...

But that's true, I tell you, it is true.

My Kaa-san is a strict and old-fashioned woman who had experienced her wild days while she was young.

She always told us her children about her young days where all she did was going to party and festives with her friends; doing many crazy trips, etc.

Of course, for a middle aged woman she is now, I am quite proud with her experiences while she was young..

Nevertheless, it was already passed for a long time even before my Neesan born.

So I feel extremely awkward when Kaa-san keeps comparing her friends while she was young with my friends at elementary school and high schools.

I mean, come on, at her time, asking some friends to pick you up might be okay since all the economy condition at that time was much more better than now

And people's change, right? 

Not every generation wanted to be like that...

If her friends wanted to do it willingly, doesn't mean that my friends now can just do it exactly the same like that, right???

When I was a child, I agreed with what my mom said about it.

But the me now can say that I totally disagree about it.

FYI, My friends aren't my drivers and servants

Yeah, I can say that cause every time I was asked to go out, I always had to rejected it with many reasons since my parents never allowed it happened

The reasons were varied that I myself found it to be nasty

I hate it every time they cornered me to a position where I can't accept the invitation.

They always like, "Oh you wanna go? We can't just drive and pick you up anytime you want. So if you really wanna go, why don't you asked your friends to pick you up, huh?"

Every time they talked like that, I wanna cry hardly

I knew that in the end I would never be allowed to go out with my friends..

It is extremely hard for me to go out with my friends, even until now...

And this makes my friends aren't willing to invite me and I feel more like alien now...

2. Environment

Yeah, environment...

I grew up with an old-fashioned family where they find my affection toward Japan is ODD

And it's not like I do something strange or doing criminality because of this

I also always accept the diversity in my families..

i never mind about it... I wonder why they feel like I am quite antique..

My friends are the typical of those who would hangouts, gathering and making some random sleepovers, bla bla bla

And honestly, I envy them..

I always wanted to do it with them.

But I never did it because I never allowed to...

Since I am an AB, I am having problem sometimes where I became too goodie girl and sometimes being rebellious as well.

You see, being in the middle of those two different lifestyles are painful in the ass

I always wanna be a good friend, I love diversity, I love to be able to hang out with them all

I love having some embarrassing moments with them..

And when they asked me to go out with them, I always wanted to join them

But,

On the other side, I can't just being rebellious and left my home since this is ASIA, and my parents aren't the type of parents who might apologies or search for me..

They would still blame it all on me...

And it makes me feel pressured even until now

I guess that's what makes me feel like I have to move out ASAP

I wanna be independent where I don't have to rely on them

Where I don't have to plea so much only to ask them to drive me to my friends' parties

Where I can do whatever I like, including using lenses and cosplaying as much as I like (Yeah, now you know how strict my kazoku is, welcome to my life, readers~)

I always wanted to be a mangaka back then, and all my parents said was : "Do you think you'll able to live only by drawing like that? Are you going to feed yourself with rocks???"

Ah alright, I quit from dreaming about being a mangaka and just wanna be a psychiatrist...

And what do they say now?

They said that here, in my country, being psychiatrist is useless and I better do other things..

So yeah, they forced me to enter the Business Management (The major I hate most while I was being at high school since it was soooo damn boring)

I really hoped that my life would change...

I really wish for it...

Well then, see you in my next post~

First Post~

Yeaaaaaaaayyyyyy *throws confetti*
I finally made this new blog out of my desperation toward my life~

Okay, so basically, this blog is all about my mess life

So, shall I introduce myself again here?

*clears throat*

My name is Antoinette~
I am Chinese and XX years old LOL
I am matured enough to hear all those R-18 
Single... ah NO, I am currently dating ANIME GUY~

Extremely in love with many seiyuus~
Kakki, Egu, JunJun, Daisaku, Tattsu, etc~
Please get used to it while I am blabbering about my life (and suddenly being Out Of Topic LOL)

I am an AB girl~
Interested to find out about my dual personalities?
Check it out here~