Happiness is Simple

Idk what makes me thinking of doing this, despite my promise to you all that I would stop rambling something random here, I just did write this post and publish it..

Whatever, I kinda need a place to spill all the bombs inside my brain nowadays and I think this is the perfect place for it, well at least for now..

This year, I encountered something you called fate with someone I never thought would ever came and say hello to me
I was happy alright to find him standing once again side by side with me, albeit it was only for a short period of time
Long story short, I realized how we're still immature in the heart no matter how much progress we'd made since the last time we met..

I found out how the way we solve a problem was the exact opposite, that all it will do to us is nothng but chaos and destruction. The latter was especially referred to me exclusively..
I was and still am broken heart and mourning for the loss of the one I hold dearly for only God knows how many times it has been
Yes, I know, he came to me again and again, and I always opened myself for him all the time, only to find myself tore again and again
We destroy each other without realizing it, and each time, I always pray that this tme will be different, will be better, and will never repeat the same mistakes we'd made before

But I was wrong...

We keep repeating it, keep falling in the same hole, and that makes me realized, no matter how deep is my love for him, we're never meant to be together (I know this sounds too dramatic, but trust me, this is true. And I guess waiting for the same jerk for 5 years is just too much when the rest of your friends keep telling you he doesn't deserve you, so yeah, the phrase does describe my situation well enough)

I still miss him, and somehow still feel like a part of me left inside him, which sucks actually, because trust me, I did all I can do to forget him and move on with my life. I even tried to self-hypno myself!
It worked actually, before a glimpse of occurence came and remind me of the past with him, and suddenly those memories I've kept safely inside the lock burst out like tsunami and soaked me all over
I want to contact him, I want to call him, I miss his voice, his laugh, his scent, his everything. Literally, I miss him back in my life again (Yea I know it's silly, and I'm pretty much can assure you I am really pathetic and hopeless about this since I can't control myself)
But I couldn't bear any humiliation aside from what he had done to me this year. It's not only about pride, it's also about my sanity and my heart (which thanks to him, had torn up to pieces or maybe nothing but dust)

I know that very well, and should I talk about it right now,
I would say that I miss him but I don't want to be together with him anymore
Honestly, I'm too scared to be hurt again, since that's all I've got from this guy despite all the sweet things we had before

So, in order to relieve myself from these unhealthy pressures (both from my final project in my college and from my own brain) I decided to take a peek at my account in a Japanese dating website that I made for observing the way they work with "high-tech dating"

And of course, as a result of not opening it in a long time, many messages unread was stacking up there in my inbox.
There I found some messages that, Idk why but strangely funny and cheers me up, despite the content of the messages that mostly are showing their interest of talking with me there

Some of them really tried their best in expressing their interests with me, some even tried to talk in english and apologizing for having wrong grammar.

Seriously, I'm touched by all of it. It reminds me that there are still many people who still want to fight and try their best to have the girl that they want, and I really appreciate their efforts
(And I really hope they would really find the right person for each of them too, I pray they would find happiness with the girls that is exactly made to be theirs ^~^)
I really feel sorry about that account, I shouldn't make it in the first place since people there are seriously looking for their ideal couple, and I'm guilty for making it as media of observation.

Anyway, I still feel touched and kinda cheered by their messages, and surprisingly, out of my expectation, it lifts part of burdens inside my head, especially about that guy I knew from a long time ago.

That reminds me of the saying "Happiness is simple", and that's when I realized that, yes, seeing people having effort trying to be the best in your eyes is happiness, and it makes me feel like I want to be the old me who can be nice to everyone, who can be warm to all people, who can easily getting around with new people. It makes me want to be the sweet girl I used to be, the friendly one, not the cold one and skeptical one.

I think, I want to rearrange my life once again, to make it prettier, healthier, happier, and warmer.
I wish everyone can have what's actually the best for them, and I really wish I could be a happy girl from now on
I wish I can be a grateful person and live my life at the fullest

It's a lot, i know, hahaha
But I think this post is also helping me to lift part of my burden right now
And if you guys really read this long post up until the end, I really thank you for sparring your time to read this rambling about my life :3